The Value of Leeks
by Mog-everything
Summary: Tom is a small time Muggle leek farmer who gets called away to attend Hogwarts. What will befall her there? You'll never read another MarySue like this.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by my conversation with Emily about simple peasant girls and another girl I know who plays the banjo…lmao that's just funny. Review you scallywags.**

Once upon a time there was a simple peasant girl called Tommy-tim-tom-tibon or Tom for short. Tom worked all day and all night too on her family's farm in Notherndale, Westmoorland, Essex in England. They all secretly hated her because she, unlike them, didn't play the banjo, had all her teeth and disliked straw. Sometimes she would complain about her straw bed.

"Your gettin' too fancy for ye' own good Tommy-tim-tom!" her father shouted angrily at her, beating her with a leek (they farmed leeks and there were always a few handy when you needed one.).

Tom always felt she didn't quit belong in her family. Whether it was because they all spoke with Southern American accents, or because they all had webbed toes and she didn't, she never knew. Then one day Tom was sitting out in the leek fields when she saw an owl fly over head. Tom had never seen an owl before; her brother Derrick usually shot and ate all the stray owls in this area, using their feathers for jacket lining.

The owl circled ever closer until it dropped a letter into Tommy-tim-tom's lap. She opened it up with fierce enthusiasm. Tom had been taught to read at the local school she had briefly attended when she was 5. Her parents had taken her out when they thought she was getting to smart for her own good (she was 8 at the time).

"Blah blah blah…oh would you look at that I've been accepted to go to a wizarding school!" Tom said happily. Her eyes then darted to a list of spell books and ingredients she would need. "Oh phooey, I don't have the money to pay for all them fancy spell books!" she said slipping into her family's Southern American accent. "That is…unless I steal the money!"

Tom then began to formulate a plan. Her brother would be back from the markets soon, with all the money he had made selling leeks and jackets lined with owl feathers. If she could just mug him on the way back…

So that was how Tom came to be waiting in a ditch outside her family Leek Farm for her brother to return. Her brother was a lot older then her and she wouldn't be able to take him on by sheer force, this she knew, so she dug a hole in the road instead and covered it up with leaves and debris. She had gotten the idea from Pokemon. Soon enough Derrick came strolling up along the road whistling to himself. He was so preoccupied with his whistling he completely forgot to check for holes in the road and thus fell in breaking his collar bone and severing three major arteries. Tom didn't bother with this however. She quickly pulled out her fishing line and attempted to retrieve the cash out of Derrick's pocket. On her third try she was successful and reeled in a wad of notes.

"Now it's off to this place, the Leaky Caldron" said Tom reading her letter again. She set off up the road with all her belongings tied behind her in a sheet tied on a stick, as all good runaways must do.

Three days later Tom was outside the Leaky Caldron. She had walked all the way from Essex to London and if you know as much about English geography as Tommy-tim-tom, then you'll know that's a very long way. In truth she didn't actually walk all the way, she met a horse just outside of Nottinghamshire and high-jacked it and rode it until it died. It died because she kept hitting it with leeks, which goes to show there is such a thing as a circle of violence.

Inside the grimy bar Tom went up to the counter. She was a bit scared of the man behind the counter; he was missing teeth and for a second Tom thought that her relatives had tracked her down.

"Err yes hello, my name is Tommy-tim-tom-tibon, and I was wondering…" but Tom was cut off. A man in the corner, who Tom had mistook for a pile of rags, rustled, gave a loud yawn and looked round at her. He was a huge man, with a beard and hair in dire need of brushing. Tom longed to be allowed to wash his hair, straighten it, brush it then tie it all up in a pony tail, clipping it all perfectly in place.

"Did you jus' say ye' name was Tommy-tim-tom-tibon?" he asked

"Yes" said Tom, not knowing how on earth the beast of a man could have known her name.

"Oh darn, I knew I forgot summit!" he stood up and walked over to Tom, extending a large hand "I'm Hagrid, the 'Hogwarts grounds keeper, I was meant to come pick ye' up but I got a bit distracted."

"Oh" said Tom.

"I was meant to tell ye' all 'bout Hogwarts…" Hagrid said disappointedly

"Well my letter told me most of it I expect" Tom said

"Nah it didn't tell ye' 'bout the fund for students who can't afford their Spell books and wand though did it?" Hagrid said "By the looks of ye' you can't afford anything" said Hagrid rather bluntly.

"You mean I killed my brother for nothing?" said Tom angrily

"Killed ye' brother? What'd ye' do that for then eh?" Hagrid asked in a bemused sort of voice. "Oh well no use crying over spilt potion! Let's go get your spell books and all that"

So along with Hagrid the savage looking giant, Tom set off into Diagon Alley. Hagrid opened a large stone archway in the wall out behind the bar with a tap of his wand. Tom was entirely amazed by everything. They sold spell books as thick as Hagrid's matted hair. The different sights and smells were all quite distracting. Then Tom noticed something on the window of Madame Malkins robe shop. It was a poster with moving pictures on it talking about Voldemort and 'Death Eaters'.

"Oi Hagrid!" said Tom ungraciously. She didn't see the purpose in being nice to savages "Who's this Voldemort then?"

"Shhhh! We don' say the name!" Hagrid gasped "He's the most evil wizard there ever was! There's a war going on at the moment Tom, a wizard war! An' Voldemorts the leader of the Death Eaters! They go round killin' an' looting! Why it was only last summer they killed Prof. Dumbledore! He was the last Head Master see, great man he was too"

"Oh" said Tom not particularly impressed. There were about a dozen Muggle wars going on at the moment anyway.

Finally they reached the wand shop. It had just reopened after its owner; Mr Ollivander went on an unexpected holiday to Fiji and everyone had assumed he'd been killed, but there you go.

"Ahh why Tom, I have been waiting for you…" Mr Ollivander said eerily

"That's not weird" said Tom sarcastically.

"Now give this wand a wave, I'm sure it's perfect for you." He thrust a stick of wood into Tom's had. She waved it. Nothing happened.

"Ok then, try this, Unicorn Hair and Eskimo Blood, 14 inches" Tom waved it and again nothing happened. They went through about 10 more wands.

"Another tricky costumer eh? Well give this a go: Phoenix Leg and Dragon heart string" Tom waved it and low and behold a bunch of lilies appeared from the end!

"Ah, that's bizarre!" said Mr Ollivander startled.

"Why's that then?" Tom asked defensively

"Because, the Phoenix leg in your wand is the same Phoenix whose feathers are in the wands of Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort!"

"Well whoop de whoop!" said Tom angrily. She snatched up her wand and walked out of the store without paying.

Hagrid told Tom later that the Hogwarts train would be leaving tomorrow from Kingscross Station. Her platform was platform nine and three quarters. Tom asked to be dropped off at the Station so as not to be rushed in the morning. She spent the night sleeping on a bench and was first on the train when it arrived.

Tom sat in her compartment nervously. She was finally gonna make something of her life! There was a knock on her door and a small red head child entered the carriage.

"Oh hello, I'm Terry, Terry Weasley" he said in little more then a whisper

"Fool, didn't you read the sing? No ginga's allowed!" Tom yelled

"Gingas? What's a ginga?" Terry asked

"A red head freak like yourself, now OUT!" Tom shouted at the top of her lungs.

The boy slammed the door on his own foot in his haste to leave. A few minutes later the door opened again and a girl came in.

"Fucking hell that retarded red head nearly bowled me over just then! He's a Weasley though, no wonder" Tom immediately felt she liked this girl.

"My names Escargot and I'm sitting here now, hope you don't mind" Escargot said plunking herself down beside Tom.

"And you are?" she asked

"Tom" said Tom quickly

"Well that's a stupid name, so common, so vulgar!" Escargot said with her nose in the air.

"My real names Tommy-tim-tom-tibon actually" said Tom defensively. And on a sudden burst of inspiration she added "And inside my wand is the leg of the same Phoenix that gave the feathers that are inside Harry Potters and Voldemorts wands." She was tempted to say 'Beat that' but she refrained.

"Oh well I suppose that's something" Escargot said brushing her black hair. She was quite boring to look at; pale skin, black hair and grey eyes. "Are you pureblood? "

"No" said Tom. Hagrid had told her all about purebloods and Muggle-borns.

"Good, I shouldn't want to sit next to you if you were, they're bloody inbreeds the lot of them. You see all purebloods are related, in about 12 different ways, so when they go and marry each other it's like marrying your cousin 12 times over"

"I never thought of it like that" Tom said "Are you a half-blood then?"

"Yes and I'm the Heir of Ravenclaw too" Escargot added

"Really?" Tom asked her eyes as wide as if they'd been ripped open and stapled there.

"No not really, but it's easy to make people believe you are because nobody really knows do they?" Escargot said "So if I'm the Heir of Ravenclaw lets make you the Heir of Hufflepuff"

"Why am I Hufflepuff? Hufflepuff are loser-loser retards who cannot count past ten" Tom asked angrily

"Well Cedric Diggory was Hufflepuff and he was smarter then anyone from any of the other houses, as he was Hogwarts champion. So Hufflepuff are actually the best!"

"Who on earth is he?" Tom asked

"Oh never mind. And lets say your Grandfather invented Quidditch" Escargot said excitedly

"Ok," said Tom catching on to the idea "And your Aunty owns Dagon Alley"

"Yes! And your Great Uncle invented magic!"

This continued on for sometime. Finally there was a knock at the door and in came Terry Weasley AGAIN!

"Please please let me sit with you, it's cold out here and the other children tease me awfully"

"Fine, sit down and shut up" said Tom

"Yeah, do as she says, her Great Uncle invented Magic!" Escargot said with an air of truth about her.

"Wow did he really?" Terry asked

"No of course not, we just made up that our relatives did all these great things to sound cool."

"Oh what can mine have done?" Terry asked. Escargot looked to Tom and back to Terry.

"Let's say your Grandfather invented magically reinforced Chlamydia."

"Wicked" said Terry happily.

"Is it true you're an inbreed?" Tom asked after a moment's silence. Terry looked annoyed for a second and then it vanished.

"Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't." he said with an evangelical wink.

"Uh huh"

In no time at all the train had pulled into the Hogsmede station. Hagrid towered above everyone, except this really lanky 4th year.

"First years, over here!" he called. Tom, Terry and Escargot walked towards Hagrid rather nervously.

"Ready for ye' firs' year o' Hogwarts then?"


	2. Staples

Tom, Terry and Escargot all climbed into one of the little boats and began to paddle across the lake to Hogwarts. Hagrid had said four to a boat, so they let another first year named Kinkerus Blinkerus into their boat. No one liked him though.

"Hey wow, Kinkerus, look at this!" said Escargot pointing to a patch of water. Kinkerus leaned over to get a better look and Escargot shoved him into the drink.

"You snooze you lose sucker" she said angrily. Kinkerus splashed around for a while longer but eventually the sound died down.

"Ooock, look at Hogwarts" said Hagrid with enthusiasm. The castle was all lit up.

"Wow a castle, it's not like we don't have enough of them in Great Britain" Escargot answered dryly. However to Tom who'd spent most of her life on a leak farm, the castle was really a sight to behold.

They entered through to giant oak doors and a tiny little man the height of a small dog standing on its hind legs gave them a chat about different houses. He said his name was Prof. Flitwik. He then remembered he'd forgotten the all important stool that the Sorting Hat sits on and he ran of to get it.

"So what house do you want to be in?" Tom asked the other first years at large.

"Slytherin" said Escargot "Bring down the Pureblood filth from within"

"All my family is in Gryffindor" said Terry glumly "I've just got to get in." he screwed up his face in a look of intense concentration.

"I want to be in Slytherin" said a malicious sounding voice from the back of the room. A girl emerged with silver blonde hair. "Stupidia Nameia Malfoy" she said extending a hand to Tom. Terry and Escargot cracked up laughing.

"You think my names funny do you?" she asked angrily

"Well, yes, Stupidia Nameia Malfoy is a pretty stupid name" Terry answered drying his eyes on his robes.

"Well I can tell who you are. Ginga hair and freckles you must be a Weasley. My second cousin on my fathers' side/ third cousin on my mothers' side, Draco warned me about your type"

"I told you they were all related in like a thousand different ways" whispered Escargot. Stupidia now turned her attentions toward Escargot.

"And you, who are you?"

"Escargot"

"Escargot who exactly?"

"Just Escargot, like it's like Madonna."

"And she's the Heir of Ravenclaw!" said Tom. All the other first years sounded thoroughly impressed, excluding a soaking wet Kinkerus Blinkerus who shouted out "But she can't be, I am!". Everyone rolled their eyes at him.

"Go back to the lake Kinkerus" suggested a sandy blonde haired girl.

"No, seriously I'm the Heir of Ravenclaw, I have the papers to prove it!" at this point Kinkerus was accidentally pushed through the window.

At this point Prof. Flitwik reappeared and marched them off to the Hall.

They stood on the stage with the whole school ogling them,while a nasty looking hat sang a song:

_I was made_

_A while ago_

_With the job to sort_

_The decent from the not so good_

_And up till now I did_

_But it's boring to do all the same_

_Year in, year out_

_Now I'll put you where I please_

_Stick it to the man!_

There was a smattering of applause. Tom heard someone in the audience whisper 'He didn't even rhyme this year!'.

"Your names will be called in alphabetical order. You simply sit down on the stool and put on the Sorting Hat. It'll tell you where you ought to be" Flitwik began calling names off a large piece of paper (or to be technical, parchment).

Aljezera, Ackmed as handsome black haired boy with a dusky complexion was placed in Gryffindor. Bennet, Mary was placed in Ravenclaw. And so it went on until "Escargot". Escargot walked up nervously. The hat was on her head a good minute before it yelled out "HUFFLEPUFF". Escargot, looking somewhat glum wondered off the Hufflepuff table. To everyone's surprise Stupidia Nameia was also put in Hufflepuff. She made quite a scene at first she refused to go and put the Hat back on until it put her somewhere else, but the Founders actually put a charm on it so if someone try's doing that the Hat gets tighter and tighter until the persons eyes pop out. Stupidia took of the hat just in time.

The minutes passed slowly. Tom felt she would never get her turn. But finally she did, the impatient fool. She was surprised to find a little talking voice in her ear.

"Hello, how are you? Arrr I see umm you'd be good in Ravenclaw."

"Yes that's where I want to go!" said Tom

"Well too bad, HUFFLEPUFF hahahahahaha" and Tom went off and took a seat next to Escargot.

"That hat's really horrible isn't it?"

"Quite" said Escargot sculling back the Elf made Wine she'd nicked from the High Table. "Oh well at least we can much round in this house"

Everyone else got sorted. Terry Weasley got put in Hufflepuff also and sat down opposite Tom.

"Goooooooooooood evening students" said the Headmistress McGonagall. She had cross eyes and wore what looked like a sheep fetus on her hat.

"She never used to be crazy" said a near by 7th year "She went mad from grief after Dumbledore died"

"Why don't they send her to St Mungos?" Escargot asked

"Well she's quite entertaining isn't she?" said the 7th year chuckling to himself

"Now stuuuuuuuudents I wanted to talk about…owls. Owls are now banned. And shoes, shoes are banned too, and livers, give them to me I know you're hiding them!" Prof. Flitwik had to restrain Prof. McGonagall at this point as she made a grab for some near by students' livers. The school was thenallowed to retire to their common rooms. The Hufflepuff common room was a basement; most of it was taken up by large crates labeled 'dinner ware' or 'the good china'. They had to use the crates for chairs for they had none owww.

"Now what should the password be?" the Hufflepuff prefect asked himself.

"Stupidia Nameia's got gonorrhea" Escargot suggested.

"Very well"

"And she got it off Terry Weasley" someone shouted

"And he gave it to Hermione Granger" a gossiping fourth year said.

Terry looked ashamed. See girls, this is how rumors start so don't believe them.

In Hufflepuff the girls and boys all shared one dormitory. And they didn't have beds they had to sleep in hammocks. The other Hufflepuffs were a blisteringly, ridiculously good looking boy called Gerald, a squat girl with a bung eye called Lolita and a black basketball player from America called Jerome.

"Good night everyone" Terry called out before the lights went out.

"Good night to you too Terry" Tom called back, for never ever in all her time alive could Tom remember a more happy time.

"Screw you" called Stupidia killing the moment.


	3. Mahogony Drift Wood

The hole in the ground idea is from Pokemon again, and this day at Waikuku when we dug holes in the sand and covered them up with sand and sticks, haha, it really worked. I have a bit of a hole in the ground covered with twigs obsession don't I? Wonder what Freud would make of that…

* * *

The next day Tommy-tim-tom-tibon awoke to the sounds of Terry Weasley crying. It was because Prof. McGonagal had stolen his liver sometime during the night and now he had a dent where it used to be. Escargot told him to harden up.

On the way down to breakfast they ran into Kinkerus Blinkerus who had missed out on being sorted and therefore couldn't join the school until next year. In the mean time he was being taken on as a house-elf apprentice.

"Oops, Kinkerus I just knocked over these 12 bottles of Pumpkin juice! Be a dear and clean it up will you?" Escargot said, purposefully smashing a dozen bottles of juice on the floor. Terry Weasley gave her a reproachful look and so she hit him with her shoe. Hard.

After breakfast the Hufflepuff's first subject was charms. They had it with the Gryffindors. All of the Gryffindors happened to be Chinese tourists who didn't speak English, expect for two.

"Now swish and flick children, swish and flick!" midget Prof. Flitwick told them. They were all failing miserably except Brilliania Granger, Hermione Granger's secret daughter. She had had her out of wedlock to Victor Krum during her fourth year at school and had been forced to keep her under her bed, as pets aren't allowed at Hogwarts except owls, frogs, rats and cats. Brilliania actually had a twin brother but he was eaten by Crookshanks shortly after his birth.

"Oh I hate that Brilliania Granger" said Stupidia Nameia venomously.

"I know! She thinks she's so great just because she's Hermione Granger's daughter." Escargot agreed

"Let's kill her!" suggested Lolita the feral swat bung eyed girl. Everyone turned to look at her in surprise.

"What?" she asked "I was just kidding!"

"I didn't realise it could talk" said Escargot

Their next lesson was potions with Prof. Crookshanks. He had taken over the position of teaching potions from Horace Slughorn.

"Meow meow meow meoooooow purrrrrr" said Prof. Crookshanks. He walked on his hind legs and wore wizard robes. He also had a wand, though nobody knew how on earth he came by it.

They quickly got to work making a simple sleep draught. Escargot and Stupidia (who were working together) put some of theirs in a saucer and feed it to Prof. Crookshanks who dozed off to sleep immediately. They spent the rest of the lesson chatting about ways to revenge themselves upon Brilliania Granger.

"I think we should lure her into Moaning Myrtles toilet and then lock her and she'll have to spend the whole day talking to Myrtle!" Stupidia volunteered

"Or we could slip Swearing Solution into her Pumpkin Juice!" said Terry Weasley sounding as mischievous as someone who just said something really naughty, but in actual fact what they just said was super lame.

"What good would that do Terry?" Tom asked

"Then everybody would think she was a potty-mouth"

Tom stared at Terry

"So?"

"Well nobody likes a potty mouth!" said Terry indignantly

"Oh shut up Weasley. What if we lured Brilliania into the Forbidden Forest? Then she'd surely be lost for the rest of the term at least. What do you think?" Tom asked her friends

"Sound's good to me, how shall we go about it?" Escargot asked

"Well..." Tom said and speaking in no more then a whisper she told them of her plan.

"Awesome! We'll put it into action after dinner" Stupidia said as the bell rang and they all went off to their next class.

Dinnertime took what seemed like an age to arrive. The Hufflepuffs all bolted down their shepard's pie and treacle tart then they ran off to their various posts. Jerome, the black American basketball player had a crucial role. He was to pretend to be playing basketball near the Forest while Escargot ran off and got Brilliania Granger. The obvious flaw in the plan was that he would have to be playing on grass with no hoop, but this did not deter anyone.

"Brilliania! Oh Brilliania! Come quickly somebody needs your help! Out by the Forbidden Forest" Escargot called to Brilliania who was still in the Great Hall doing extra Charms homework. Escargot was hidden under Terry Weasley's invisibility cloak and to Brilliania she was just a mysterious voice

"Ok alright then" Brilliania agreed, following the mysterious voice, (who was singing 'Hoggy Warty Hogwarts' to the tune of 'Welcome to the Black Parade') all the way to the Forest.

"Thank Merlin's jumpsuit you're here!" Jerome said sincerely when Brilliania arrived on the scene "I was happily playing basketball here by the Forest and a Centaur came out of the Forest and stole my ball! It was signed by Nicole Ritchie! Could you possibly get it back for me, seeing how talented at magic you clearly are?" Jerome batted his eye lashes, which was more bizarre then alluring.

"Sure I'll help you? He went in here you say?" foolish Brilliania said falling for the ploy by wandering into the Forest.

She was not 10 yardsticks in when she spotted a Centaur holding a basketball. This in reality was just Stupidia Nameia Malfoy balancing on Terry Weasley's shoulders. He was wearing one half of a horse costume.

"Hey bully, you give that back! Or pick on someone your own magical equivalent!" Brilliania said drawing her wand

"Ok, please don't hurt me!" Stupidia called out, dropping the basketball just to the left of where she had been standing on a suspicious looking pile of twigs and dirt. They disappeared into the undergrowth. Brilliania smiled to herself and walked over to pick up the basketball, when there was a loud crack and the twigs and dirt gave out beneath her. Brilliania was in a deep whole that the twigs and leaves had been covering. It had been dug by Tom earlier that day, the clever nymph.

"Ahh help!" she called. The Hufflepuff's all emerged from their various hiding places to look down upon their fallen foe.

"Please help me out!" Brilliania called from her hole pathetically.

"No" Tom called back "We're going to keep you there and you can make your own way home. This is for your own good really; just to teach you not to be such a show off. Goodnight!" and they all wondered off back to the castle.

"That went well!" said Stupidia "Considering all the things that could have gone wrong"

"I used to read lots of detective stories back on the Leek Farm. There wasn't much else to do really. So I know lots of murder plots!" Tom said happily

"And when she tells the teachers what happened all we do it deny it! All of us against one of her" Terry said smugly. The Hufflepuffs (minus Lolita and Gerald) walked back towards Hogwarts Castle, the sun low slung in the sky, casting red and yellow beams of light across the Lake. Tom looked around at her comrades and couldn't help feeling something she'd never felt before, it was warm and fuzzy and felt a lot like friendship. Ohhhh so lame!

* * *

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